The worry started early in my pregnancy, when just a week after I discovered I was pregnant I started bleeding. Unfortunately, this all went down as I was in a small surfing village in Mexico and had not yet established care with a hospital or midwives. Every Google search told me to get to the emergency room ASAP – that I could be suffering a miscarriage or worse – an ectopic pregnancy that could result in my own death. I so badly wanted to be cool but two days of bright red spotting and the threat of oh, dying, had me feeling very anxious. The bleeding stopped just as the nausea really began to set in. I met with my midwife – she found a heartbeat and measured the baby at 9 weeks along. I was so relieved. But to this day I still check for blood every time I go to the bathroom.
Still, the following weeks in my first trimester continued to promise uncertainty. I felt like I couldn’t escape really sad stories and surprisingly shocking statistics of miscarriage. I began to internalize the grief as my own and was convinced that this whole thing was going to end badly. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Then I started feeling guilty that my fear alone was doing more harm to the baby than anything else. This is clearly a terrible way to move through life. I shared these fears with Jeremy. He’s incredibly rational and stoic. His philosophy of life keeps me grounded and anchored, so while he tried to calm and reassure me, he couldn’t promise that everything would be okay, nobody could – and that’s all I really wanted.
I needed an intervention and I knew it needed to come from the inside out.
So here’s what I did – a meditation:
• I bought a new stick of sage and a box of my favorite incense
• I burned the sage and banished fear from my consciousness
• Then I lit the incense, lined up all of my lucky charms (+ my crystal necklace), and did the following meditation:
Sitting with my legs crossed and spine erect, I visualized my feet, legs, and core rooted into the earth – knowing it was supporting me with billions of years of evolution and wisdom. I visualized my chakras opening from sacrum to crown and opened myself up to the universe – knowing it was supporting me with creative potential and prosperity. I set an intention to be brave and nurturing. From there I moved my attention and breath to the little bebe in my belly. I imagined it’s little chakras opening up – then I imagined it surrounded in a bubble of bright white light – this light not only served as protection for my little bean but as a creative force to be reckoned with. I let the light expand and fill my whole body with love. I sat with this this light for a good while until I felt closure.
• Since then I found myself carrying my lucky kitty in my pocket and wearing my crystal necklace daily. I’m a bit superstitious about it but not OCD.
• I also take time daily to acknowledge, nurture, and meditate on the light radiating from this little bean growing in me.
Things go terribly wrong all the time. From miscarriage, to stretch marks, to vaginal reconstruction from a labor and delivery gone wrong, to sleepless nights, sore nipples, and all the sacrifices to be had as a mom. This whole parenthood thing can be a battleground – lots of moms have war stories to share and with that, wounds to heal.
Now I’m a warrior carrying precious cargo, and I’m choosing to walk into battle with no armor on my heart. And this baby … she glows.
- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -
Field Notes & Observations:
• Each day I can feel the baby moving more and more. It’s my very favorite feeling right now. I can’t wait until Jeremy can feel it too.
• I’m starting to feel like my belly is forming a legit bump – it’s become a little more hard. I can feel it when I bend or roll over.
• I felt uncharacteristically maternal towards Boots & Dinahsaur when they seeked refuge from a thunderstorm under our covers the other night. (Unlike dogs who are more human-like, I usually feel like cats can fend for themselves).
• We bought curtains and a rug for the baby room and took inventory of baby gear leftover from my sister. Things are starting to get real.
• My placenta encapsulation was confirmed!
• Some days I can button my pants. Other days not so much. I really need to get around to investing in maternity pants but I’m trying to hold out for the weather to cool off enough that I can just go straight to leggings.