21 Weeks | After Before

September 6, 2013



I was about 5 years old when I started to freak out about dying. I had even, in my little kid handwriting on wide-ruled paper and in No. 2 pencil, wrote out my will and burial details. Even so, I was really shaken up by the idea that I could be brought into this world only to one day be removed from it. I remember my mom or dad helping me find peace about life & death, not by giving me stories about a cloudy happy heaven, but by asking me this:

Do you remember what it was like before you were born? That’s what it will be like after you die.

In the same way that not remembering life before I was born brought me peace – I’m hoping that simply by being present once the baby is born will keep me from mourning or yearning what once was… because what once was doesn’t exist anymore. About this time last year my belief was that life after baby was pretty much over. And I’m still not sure that’s entirely untrue. So right now I’m in smack dab in the middle of a transitory phase which leaves me doing lots of before and after thinking. My body, my relationships, my career – the before is so certain and clear. The after … not so much.

If I’ve learned anything through life coaching and being coached, it’s that you have to have a clear vision of what you want in order to manifest it. And right now my vision of life after mid-January is a pixelated low-res blur. So here I would like to brainstorm how I would like life to be after I have this baby boy. Feel free to roll your eyes at my ambitious and perhaps impossible goals – but I’ve never let that stop me before.

• I will not only get my pre-baby body back but I am going to get into the best shape of my life. I want Madonna arms and Gwen Stefani abs.
• My business, Braid Creative, will only gain momentum in reach, impact, and revenue.
• My baby will latch on to my booby like a champ.
• Jeremy and I will enjoy quiet evenings with our TV shows and glasses of wine. And making out.
• We’ll also enjoy family cuddle fests in our awesome new king size bed.
• We’ll all go on adventures – it’ll be awesome.
• I’ll be graceful, present, and patient even when things feels rough.

Other Field Notes & Observations:
• Baby boy is kicking BIG time. It makes me laugh.
• Apparently I’ve gained 17 lbs. so far. The baby himself only accounts for 1 of those lbs. right now. And just to be clear – it’s not all in my belly.
• I’m still in an awkward phase where I’m sausaging into my old clothes. I’m waiting until the seasons shift to invest in any additional maternity clothes.
• I love it when people touch my belly. Granted, I haven’t had any creeps trying to cop a feel – but I welcome all touches from friends and family and even strangers with good vibes.
• I still have Braxton-Hicks contractions – I just think of it as my uterus working out for what’s to come.
• Surprisingly, I am not afraid at all of the thought of pushing a baby out of my hoo-ha. Maybe that will change as I get closer to my due date? Hopefully not.
• We’re still collecting a list of names for this little guy.


Related posts:
• 9 weeks | We Made Magic
• 13 weeks | Like A Gorilla
• 14 weeks | It’s Like Puberty
• 15 weeks | It Takes Time
• 16 weeks | Vivid Dreams
• 17 weeks | Pump It Up
• 18 weeks | Bebe Glows
• 19 weeks | Boy or Girl? 
• 20 weeks | Half-Baked


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