It turns out that I’m afraid of the dark.
I didn’t fully realize my scaredy-cat tendencies until I started waking up to pee an average of 3 times throughout the middle of the night. I used to be the girl who would hold it all night out of laziness – or I would press on my bladder to see how dire the need-to-pee situation was. Now the threat of UTIs has me naked and half-asleep, ping-ponging my unfamiliar body while cradling my large tight stomach, down my striped Beetlejuice hallway multiple times a night. Every night. When there is a full moon out I can see just enough to be creeped out. When the moon is new I might step on a cat and try not to think about stumbling into a rape-murderer on my way to the bathroom.
Once I make it to the toilet I begin to wake up as my eyes adjust to the dark. I always find this opportunity to reminisce about the scariest movies I’ve ever seen including Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Paranormal Activity, and The Exorcism of Emily Rose. I try to keep from looking back down the hallway for ghosts or shady silhouettes. I always feel safest when I have a cat accompanying me – especially if it’s Mister Scooty Boots. Then I run/shuffle back to bed, jump in, and assure myself that it’s actually Jeremy next to me with a Hellen Keller style pat down of his face (he usually sleeps through this).
One time, after waking up from a particularly disturbing nightmare (which seems to be shockingly common these days) I actually woke and recruited Jeremy to escort me to the bathroom. I even devised a strategy where I stayed behind him and then jumped ahead of him, per our proximity to open spaces and entryways, so he was always a human shield between me and the things that go bump in the night. He listened with patience and zero condescension as I recounted the horrific details of my nightmare – which of course didn’t seem quite as scary when spoken aloud. “No really. It was terrifying. If only you could see it in my head. You had no legs and there was blood EVERYWHERE.” (Meanwhile, I’m trying to get the most out of the trip and am rocking back & forth on the toilet, per a commenters advice, to completely empty my bladder). Together we’d stumble, nekkid, back down our hallway to our bed and I’d almost laugh thinking about an actual bad-guy-out-to-get-me taking witness to the scene.
Last weekend Jeremy and I were wondering around Lowe’s gathering random things for our home, from lightbulbs to tree stakes, when I decided to pick up a night light. But first I had to ask an employee where they were located. “Excuse me sir, can you point me towards your night lights?” “You mean for kids?” “Yeah … ahem … or for adults.” Some of the more stylish ones also touted changing color LEDs. I don’t need a disco party in my bathroom – I just need a little bit light to ward of the scaries. I settled on a night light appropriate for a grandma’s bathroom and am currently on the hunt for something a little more worthy of my modern sensibilities. But since plugging that bad boy into the wall my night life has completely changed – I’m able to pee in confidence with about 80% less fear than I was experience pre-night light.
Moon image is a poster via Urban Outfitters – overlay by me.