When I was pregnant with Fox I couldn’t imagine what life would look like after he was here. I have a fairly powerful imagination but when I tried to daydream about life with a baby in it all I could see was … darkness.
It turns out, life with a new baby was in fact dark. It was literally dark because I awake far too many nights in a row. Have you ever been really sick – the kind of sick where you’re up all night just waiting for morning to come? That’s what my nights started to feel like and with every sunset I felt a little more desperate a little less prepared for the sleepless battle ahead.
Baby breath and bargaining. Salty tears and soft cheeks. Pleads and prayers.
The mornings would bring the sun and the sun sure does know how to make an entrance. Some mornings the clouds would feel like blankets of cotton candy being set on fire. Other mornings brought yellow clouds against a crisp blue sky. I couldn’t help but feel these spectacular skies were just for me – the way the sun, and the clouds, and the molecules in the atmosphere made beautiful art together somehow gave me faith that I could trust my life.
Fox and I would end our days cuddled skin-to-skin and the sun would quietly slip away without even saying goodbye. I was hanging on by a very beautiful and resilient thread.
Today we’re out of the dark. And most days, the sun not only says goodnight but celebrates the day behind us by making a grand exit.